I haven't gotten any exericize really since I last posted. Had the procedure done, and then wasn't feeling well for the next week and a half.
Eric has mentioned to me that I am not motivated to do active things anymore. That it makes him not motivated when I am not motivated.
I feel like he doesn't understand how much physical pain I have been in for the past year. I feel like he doesn't have the ability to empathize.
I have lost 15 pounds in the past 6 months. That is a miracle considering the circumstances. Of course, that isn't acknowledged. Only the fact that I should lose 10-20 more pounds in his opinion is mentioned. If I lost 20 pounds, I would weigh what I did when I was 14 years old. F*ing ridiculous.
Sure, I want to lose some weight. I'd like to lower my body fat percentage. I'm not the thinnest girl in the world. Being nagged and being told I have stomach fat is not the way to motivate me. When he had stomach fat I didn't once try and make him feel bad about it.
He later apologized saying its not about weight, but just being healthy. Leading an active life. That it concerns him that I am not motivated most of the time.
He tells me I am not trying to find alternative things that I can do that don't cause me pain. The only thing I can do in moderation is walk. And because it rains, right now it would have to be on the treadmill. Which is booooooooooooring.
The whole thing I learned about making health a lifestyle is keeping it fun. It is not fun to be in a gym on a treadmill. I refuse to force myself to do something so unfurfilling. If its not fun, I am not going to stick with it. I don't believe in being a gym rat. Repetitive exercise; such as being on an eliptical, or lifting weights on an track in an unergonomic way (which is how the machines are built) is not what human bodies were meant to do.
I boulder some, but it does sometimes cause me pain. Or on my more painful days I don't feel like bothering with it. And I don't particularly like the bouldering gym near us because the route setters don't typically plot out routes using the style I like. They want brutal stregnth more than making it possible to get up a route with any sort of technique. It's boring for me. I want to go outside and climb. It's raining. I liked top roping a lot. However, the last time I went I screwed myself over by falling to many damn times and pissed off my nerve via the harness.
I don't have a job and I don't know what I need to do about it. I rally shouldn't have a job where I have to sit all day long. I need something close to home so I don't have to commute far, and something where I can be on my feet more often than not. I've been thinking about applying at Starbucks because I really just want a part time job that gives me health insurance. No one seems to be supportive of this, other than Eric. Sure, I COULD probably do a lot better. Jobs that require me to use my mind though at things I am skilled at also require me to sit down most of the time.
Eric and I had talked about getting married so that he could get health insurance benefits. He now says he doesn't ever want to get married again, and that I 'can't keep a job more than a month.' Which isn't exactly true. I quit my first job, that I had been at 2 years. And it was for valid reasons. They weren't paying me in a timely manner, and they wanted me to pick between my doctor appointments and my job. So I chose my dr. appointments. The second job I quit after a week because it wasn't a good fit for me. And the last job required me to commute for nearly 3 hours a day, which wasn't good for my pain level. Again, no empathy on his part.
I'm just getting really depressed. I don't know what I am doing with myself. I am worried about my future.
I used to love to be outside doing active things. Perhaps I will feel better when the sun comes out again. I felt awesome when I was climbing all the time, and hiking, kayaking.
One thing I have been doing pretty regularly is yoga. It's not enough in Eric's opinion. Which I am starting to resent him for. Pardon me for not wanting to spend 3 hours at the gym with him every time we go.
Some people with my disorder aren't able to do any form of exercise. I just feel lucky that on most days now I can move my positioning on the couch and not be in excruciating pain.
Sometimes I miss the days when I lived by myself in a studio apartment. I had a good paying job, and had lots of money I could play with. I could come home and didn't have someone bitching at me about what I did or didn't do.
I am thinking about taking a weekend vacation to San Diego, where I hear it is warm and sunny.
Because the pain doctor thinks I am depressed, he thinks I will benefit from going to a psych doctor. Perhaps I'll go. Has to be better than being anxious and sad.
I imagine my life being like it used to be. Outdoors and active. And happy. Finding things to look forward to and doing them. I miss that.
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